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Tomorrow is my Grandpa's Celebration of Life. It would also have been his 97th birthday, a respectably long life from anyone's standards. So it was no surprise when I found myself thinking of death at 2:43am last night while laying beside my sleeping 4 year old. He had just woken up from a bad dream and called out to me.
As I lay there, listening as his breathing calmed, I happened to think of my Grandpa and asked in my head, "I wonder when I'm going to die."
Immediately the year 2068 popped into my head. Hmm ok! My first thought was, "Well that doesn't seem long enough." Then after some quick middle of the night math I realized that's 44 more years. I'm 42 now so I'm a little under half way. Ok, not a bad length afterall!
As you do, I began to wonder what the next 44 years would look like, and subsequently what I hoped would happen.
Then suddenly I was transported ahead in time to 2069. A few months AFTER I had passed away. My son was now 49, my husband had already passed and I was moving through what I think would be called Heaven to us mortals.
A figure approached me and asked, "Would you do it again?" "With all the struggle, the mundane, the monotony, the fear, the unsure state of the world, the deep sadness at times, and the uncertainty around life?"
I thought about it for a second, ready to say "No, when you put it that way, maybe not." But instead I said, "Yes, I think I'd choose to do it again."
The figure replied "Well you're in luck, you get to go back to July 26, 2024 and do it again, if you want."
I gave a slight nod and came right back into my body, laying beside my 4 year old, watching his peaceful face as he slept and gave a big old fart in his sleep!
I laughed out loud and then quickly burst into tears.
Suddenly I could see things from my 89 year old perspective and I wanted one more chance at it all.
One more chance to stare at my kiddo's perfect wee face.
One more chance to hold my husband's hand as we walk down the sidewalk.
One more chance to bite into a perfectly juicy burger.
One more chance to crochet my heart into a blanket.
One more chance to joke around with my parents.
One more chance to laugh, argue, and reminisce with my siblings.
One more chance to watch a sunset from my favourite beach.
One more chance to help a client move through old stories.
One more chance to sit on the back deck with no where else to be and just listen to the birds.
One more chance to ugly cry over the state of the world.
One more chance to get on a plane and go to a place I've never explored before.
One more chance to watch the people I love grow, evolve, succeed, thrive, and just
be!
I'm not going to tell you I won't miss some moments of magic but the moments of magic I do see will be felt more deeply now, knowing those 44 more years are going to go by in the blink of an eye.
Even the mundane can be beautiful.
With love, Les
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