.png)
A Toxic Ex-Husband: How to Trust Yourself When He Makes You the Villain
Your phone lights up, and it's him. Another long message, and you can tell from the first line where it's going. He's retelling the story of your marriage again, and in this version, you're the one who ruined everything. You're the one who's unstable. You're the one turning the kids against him.
If you've ever typed "my ex-husband is toxic" into a search bar at midnight, wondering if you're the crazy one, this post is for you. I've sat with a lot of women going through separation, and some of the most powerful sessions I've ever held have been about exactly this: what happens when the man you married starts to feel like a stranger.
In this post, you'll learn what post-separation abuse looks like, why your body keeps holding on to the man he used to be, and how to call your energy back so you can trust yourself again, even while your toxic ex-husband works hard to convince everyone you've got it all wrong.
Prefer to listen? Here's the full episode.
What he's doing has a name
For some women, the hardest part was the marriage itself. For others, the marriage was hard, and then the separation got worse. When a man who's used to being in control starts to lose it, he doesn't always let go. Sometimes he just finds new ways to hold on.
It might look like him rewriting history, so the whole marriage gets retold and you're the villain in every chapter. He says it with so much confidence that you start wondering if maybe he's right.
It might look like the kids coming home from his place repeating things that sound an awful lot like him. "Dad says you're the reason we can't all live together anymore."
It might look like money suddenly getting really complicated, with accounts you didn't know about and a financial disclosure that somehow takes months longer than it should.
It might look like a smear campaign. Mutual friends stop calling. His family, who you've been close to for years, goes cold. People who only see the charming version of him ask if you're sure you're not overreacting.
And it might look like long, cruel messages written to provoke you, so that if you finally snap back, he has something to point to.
All of that has a name. It's called post-separation abuse, and it's a form of psychological abuse. You don't need to diagnose him or put a label on his personality. You only need to see what's happening and trust what you see.
Two versions of the same man
The people around you can usually see it. Your best friend has been telling you for months that he's a nasty piece of work. And you know she's right, and somehow it still doesn't fully land. You might even catch yourself reading one of his messages and thinking, but this isn't really him.
That's because your body is holding two completely different versions of the same man. There's the man you fell in love with, who held your hand in the delivery room and knew exactly how you take your coffee. And there's the man sending you these messages now. Your mind can't make them fit together, so it keeps flipping back and forth.
Your nervous system spent years bonding to the first version of him. It learned that he was home. So when he starts acting like a threat, your body doesn't update overnight. It keeps reaching for the man it knew, because that's what a bonded nervous system does.
So if you've been beating yourself up for not seeing it sooner, or for still missing him some days, you can set that down. You're seeing clearly now, and your body is catching up.
Loving who he was, seeing who he is
So what do you do with two versions of the same man? You let both of them be true.
The love was real. You don't have to rewrite your whole history and decide it was all a lie just to give yourself permission to protect yourself now. A lot of women think they have to hate a toxic ex-husband in order to leave him. You don't.
You can love who he was and still see clearly who he is now. And when those two versions disagree, trust the one in front of you. His behaviour today is the information. Your memories are precious, and you get to keep them, but they don't get to make your decisions anymore.
Grief for the man he was can sit right next to firm boundaries with the man he is. You can cry over the photos on Sunday night and still let his call go to voicemail on Monday morning.
And if anger shows up, let it. Very often it's the part of you that kept the peace for years finally saying, enough. I go deeper into that in episode 35, "The Good Girl Can't Survive Past 40".
Calling your energy back
So how do you get to the moment where his message lands and your stomach stays exactly where it is?
When you've been with someone for years, a lot of your energy gets tied up in them. Think about how much of you went into watching his moods, reading his face when he walked in the door, and managing his reactions so the evening would go smoothly. That doesn't stop just because you moved out. Part of you is still out there, braced and tracking him. That's what people mean when they talk about a cord.
Cutting that cord doesn't erase him, or the love that was real. It doesn't make the legal stuff disappear, and it doesn't mean you stop caring about your kids' relationship with their dad. What it does is call your energy back into your own body, where you can actually use it.
When I work with women in session, that energy with a partner very often sits in the sacral area, low in the belly, and the root, at the base of the pelvis. That's where intimacy lives in the body, and where your sense of safety and home lives too. He was both of those things for a long time. Together, we thank the part of her that kept the peace and managed him, because that's what kept her safe. She keeps what it taught her. It just doesn't get to drive anymore.
Try this today: the next time his name pops up, stop before you open the message. Put your hand low on your belly and take a few slow breaths. Then say, out loud if you can, "I'm calling my energy back. What was real stays real. What he's become is his to carry." From that place, decide whether the message needs an answer at all.
Two Cords: a guided cord-cutting ritual
If you can't reconcile the man you married with the ex who shows up now, I made something for exactly this. Two Cords is a 20-minute guided cord-cutting ritual. With a bowl of salt, a white candle and my voice guiding you, you'll call back the energy you've poured into both versions of him, see him as one whole person, and release the waiting. Your good memories stay.
It comes with a fillable companion guide that explains why the salt, why the candle, and what to do in the 24 hours after. $37. Get Two Cords
Build your team
My expertise is what's happening in your body and your nervous system. The legal side and the money side need someone whose expertise that is, and this is where I always tell my clients to get a divorce coach. She can help you figure out what to ask your lawyer, what to document, and how to protect yourself financially, so you're not figuring it all out alone at midnight.
And when your toxic ex-husband sends something designed to provoke you, keep your reply short and factual, or don't reply at all. You don't owe him a defence. Every paragraph you write explaining yourself is more of your energy going right back to him.
If you're not safe right now, please reach out. In Ontario, the Assaulted Women's Helpline is free, confidential and open 24 hours a day at 1-866-863-0511, or #SAFE from your cell. If you're in immediate danger, call 911. Your safety comes first, before any healing work.
When his name lights up your phone
So let's go back to that moment from the beginning. Your phone lights up, and it's him.
The woman you're becoming reads it once. She trusts what she sees, because she trusts her own memory and her own read on things. Her energy is hers again, so it doesn't go flying out the door the second his name shows up.
You can love who he was. You can see clearly who he is. And you can trust yourself through all of it.
Keep listening: this is Part 2 of my divorce conversation. If you haven't heard Part 1 yet, start with episode 46, "I Want a Divorce | An Identity Shift for Midlife Women".
Subscribe to Her Identity Shift on Spotify or Apple Podcasts so you never miss an episode.
Apple Podcasts - https://podcasts.apple.com/ca/podcast/her-identity-shift-nervous-system-regulation-somatic/id1896858957
Want more like this in your inbox? Join my email list for stories, practices and first access to new rituals for women going through an identity shift.
Comments